Creepy Crawler and Holding Hands
The car beyond the locked end of the gym was Z's section. It looked similar to the other living quarters, but was without a hallway which allotted a more spacious area. Though his individual space was larger, the common areas he could roam were far less entertaining and more work oriented.
He kept track of supplies that needed replenishment, the limited mechanical maintenance of the front car (that could be done while still moving), the health and well being of the passengers, the fulfillment of orders from H-17, and the recording and tracking of the children's activities.
There was no electronic surveillance at his disposal. He was to physically observe the group while remaining unnoticed. This was to be accomplished by using a small, pitch-black crawlspace that spanned over the top of the previous cars.
To the left of the locked door was a ladder that led up to the narrow tunnel. On the first day he had yet to use the crawlspace when the solitary nature of his section of the train had already become dull and he grew restless. He thought it was a bad sign because for the next few weeks this would be his home.
He grabbed a notebook and a flashlight and opened the small sliding door leading into the tunnel. The oppressive heat poured over him like an open sauna. He instantly decided to strip down to blue jeans and a tank-top before continuing. He looked at a simplistic overhead map and made a note to keep a strict idea of where he was. Inside, it was just large enough to crawl through, but not high enough to even sit upright. Holding the flashlight he kept low and encountered the first obstacle- the piping and vents. Even with his skinny build he barely squeezed through. By the time he reached the third car, Hailey's car, he had already bumped his head into several pipes and was sweating profusely. He found that the flashlight provided barely enough light to get through, and it was difficult to hold steady while crawling.
Under his map was a laminated sheet that listed two steps to be taken in order to view the car below. According to his chart, most large rooms contained four points of observation, and small rooms, such as the separated living quarters, contained two. The access points were the thick air grates. One of the grates over Hailey's room was an exit that even she didn't know about, but it could only be opened from the top. He followed the steps, first turning off the air vent he needed to observe from, and then slowly detaching a piece of L-shaped piping which was held in by four screws.
Hailey was folding clothes and placing them neatly into her dresser when she heard a noise from one of her air vents like clanking metal. She looked up and narrowed her eyes. Two hands struggled to remove a section of vent shaft. Z was surprised to see her waiting under him when he peered inside.
"Hey Hailey," he said from above, breathing heavily and dripping sweat down to the room.
"Z? What the hell are you doing?"
"Gotta use a crawlspace…no cameras…" he said like a runner speaking between breaths.
"Well, I hope you get better. I could hear you a mile away."
"Seriously? Well, this isn't as easy as it looks. Damn the air from your room feels good." He closed his eyes, enjoying the slight breeze from below.
"Z…I didn't expect this mission to be such crap. Who the hell cares about a timid mute?"
"The Architect, so I hear. But don't say that I told you. I'm not even supposed to know."
"The Architect? As in the H-17 Architect? You're joking."
"Nope, that came straight form the Commander…who told the Captain but wasn't supposed to. In turn the Captain told me, but said he'd cut my balls off if I told…which I just did, so you can't tell because I'd rather not have my balls in jeopardy, 'cause you know he's not kidding."
"It doesn't make sense. This is miserable."
"You're right. Free drugs and sex. Free recreation and luxury living conditions. God, I wouldn't want to be you right now. You got totally shafted with this assignment."
"Whatever. I'm in so much fucking pain right now, and I hate these people. These kids."
"I've been there before. You shouldn't let it get to you, especially so soon."
Hailey's face contorted with disgust, "unless you've been ass raped by a horse- who you were then told to befriend, and hang out with his retarded buddies…I don't think you've been here before."
Z's expression became even more uncomfortable.
"Uhhmmm…fair enough, I guess. Does that mean you haven't spoken with him yet?"
"Only a little, and it wasn't anything pleasant. Give me a few days."
"Okay, considering the situation I'll do you a favor and not say anything to command, but after that I have to record your progress."
"Thanks…I'll get you a nice dinner when we get home."
"Don't talk about food now. I don't have that kitchen stock. I have tasty T-rations."
"Eww… Maybe you do have it worse then. If you want, I'll sneak you some food later. Hey Z I need a favor, you have any painkillers?"
"I can get some from the back. I have a prescription left over from my hand surgery but they're pretty strong."
"Good."
"I'll come back after I make my rounds and check the rest of the train. If I go back to my room now I'll just want to stay in the air conditioning. It doesn't make sense, it's like fifteen degrees outside, fifty degrees in the tunnel, but a hundred and twenty in the crawlspace…and I'm supposed to do this three times a day."
"Umm, Z?"
"Yeah?"
"You just turned off the air and removed a section of air vent?"
"Yeah, so…"
"So, why don't you remove the piece and leave it on for a minute. I don't know, it seems like it would make things easier."
He blinked a few times.
"Shut up, it was my idea!"
"Yeah, plus it'll be harder to hear you fumbling up there if you turn it off afterwards."
With that Z reattached the L-pipe.
The idea that Z was working indirectly for the Architect made him worried, nervous, and a little excited. He, like most everyone else in H-17, knew little about the individual known as the Architect. Other than the public council that ran the daily life of H-17 country (much like a parliament) there were four individuals said to truly and unquestionably run H-17: The Architect, The Eyes, The Protector, and The Reaper. Their actual duties were shrouded in as much secrecy as their identities. The unsaid promise of this mission was recognition and reward from the highest authority.
Z sighed and continued, going car to car. He stopped over Jason's living area. Inside Jason and Sarah lay clothed in each other's arms in a drunken slumber with bottles at their feet. He took notes and reattached the vent.
In the next car was Cody who was in the bathroom wrapped around the toilet sleeping.
"Bunch of delinquents. I don't know who's idea the booze was," he said to himself, climbing further down the train.
The following rooms were empty up until the recreation area. John sat in one of the easy chairs watching TV and looking miserable. Tom and Abby stood close laughing and yelling at one of the pinball machines.
Z took notes and then rested near the grate, exhausted from crawling this far. He could tell now that elbow and knee pads would help greatly. The cool air that blew upward was like a slow moving, rotating fan giving brief moments of relief. Sweat dripped down to his notebook below, smudging some of his writing. He bobbed his head, dozing off for quick seconds almost in harmony with the flowing of the air.
He dropped his screwdriver which crashed against the vent grate. He grabbed it back quickly.
"What the hell was that?" John said and the other two looked.
Z froze, holding his breath. Tom looked around.
"Did it come from the ceiling?"
"Yeah, from right there."
"It's probably just the air cutting on and off." He held his hand up, "see, it's off now."
Abby yawned.
"I think I'm going to go to sleep now."
When they lost interest Z turned the vent back on and connected the L piece. Crawling back he realized that he had seen everyone but Reih. He initially wanted to make contact with Hailey, but Reih's car was before hers. He was halfway back when he remembered that he didn't look in the kitchen, but took a note to do so next time.
Near the end of his rounds, he stopped at Reih's car. Inside the boy sat at his desk with only the lamplight on. Z waited, but after ten minutes of nothing happening, he left.
"These are going to make for some riveting field notes," he said under his breath.
Reih looked over at the clock. It was 11:40 PM. He sat at his desk trying to think of an apology to write to Hailey. It was the only way he could go back outside. For this, he put away his notepad and brought out a notebook.
I really don't remember everything, but enough to know that I should apologize to you. I don't think I'm the kind of person you think I am. I know it doesn't help, but I would never want to hurt you, you seem like a very nice person. I wish you could hear me say "I'm sorry," in some kind of sincere voice that would make everything better, but I can't. I didn't want what happened either. I normally don't drink or do drugs because I'm afraid of the kind of person it will make me…And that experience- I can't remember ever having less control over myself than that. It was like an out of body experience where I was to witness a cruel and dark person- someone who isn't me at all. Without drugs and other things to confuse me, I don't feel anything but remorse for the actions I should have been strong enough to prevent. It wasn't my choice to be put there…it was forced on me as I was forced onto you. If I could do anything to make it right, I would.
Reih lingered around the last words but couldn't think of a better closing statement. He checked it over and walked out towards Hailey's car, ridiculously dressed in blue and green pajamas. He stood outside her door and paused. It was now midnight and he thought about retreating and returning at a decent hour. Then he heard a laugh from inside the opposite room. His first thought was that she was entertaining someone but then he remembered her repelling personality. The next thought was that she must have been watching TV.
He didn't feel as courageous standing at her door as he did sitting at the desk. At the desk he was able to say anything. There was no one to scrutinize him and everything seemed honest. When writing, there appeared to be no distinction between the truths of reality and the page. The page was a blade cutting through life as if it were an apple- everything on the inside came instantly to the surface. The juices seeped out, its seeds were exposed- naked and unprotected.
Actually sharing that exposure with someone was completely different. That dissection of self and others was as humiliating as it was liberating. Reih had already spoken his heart and now the confrontation seemed like a separation of realities. To him, the exposure was old, his contemplation of what he wrote was now the rotting of the fruit. The only relief from that horrid state was the reaction of the audience. If that blade cut cleanly through their heart then there was a connection. If it missed by even the slightest degree then he was left exposed to a highly destructive attack that never ceased to hit home.
While he had no confidence in himself, he had confidence in what he had to say. He knocked, and there was a silence. Hailey opened the door dressed in an oversized shirt and black sweat pants. Reih noticed the TV wasn't on and he glanced around for another person.
"What do you want?"
He waved his hand and offered up the letter. She looked at him, then snatched it and started to read.
In his imagination he wasn't present when she read the letter. He thought she would be alone in her room as he was before. It made him sweat cold chills watching her expressionless eyes on the page. He wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else. When she finished she looked up to Reih who was fidgeting in the doorway.
"I…guess it takes guts to come here like this. I shouldn't be so mad at you. But I'm not ready to be all buddy-buddy with you just yet. For now, I'll lay off a little."
He nodded vigorously, elated by the response.
"Is there anything else?" He shook his head, "Okay…go away." He wanted to take the letter back but it was imprisoned in her unapproachable grip. He walked away hoping that this act put him closer to Abby and some sort of subconscious forgiveness.
At night, the lights dimmed to a shaded lamp glow. Reih felt drawn to nighttime. It was night when his passionate, creative mind flowed more freely. He felt that the moon was somewhere overhead where he couldn't see. He imagined that it was crisp and cool outside.
Compelled by the situation, he went to Abby's car unsure of what he would do. He knocked. She answered in blue pajamas.
"What's going on Reih?"
He shrugged and wrote in his notepad. NOTHING REALLY.
"I thought most everyone else would be asleep by now."
I CAN'T REALLY SLEEP.
"Well, do you want to come in? Wait, lets go to the other side, we can watch TV."
His heart jumped. The idea of spending time alone with her sent his mind into wild fantasy and speculation. What would she say? What would she do? He remembered the kiss on his cheek and had replayed the moment over and over in his head. He couldn't help but wonder what she meant by it. He wanted it to mean more than he could imagine. He wanted it again and again, feeding from her affection and filling every void he saw in himself.
He had a feeling of being incomparably lucky. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, inside and out, with some naturally fantastic way about her that made others smile. Unable to even make eye contact with another girl, he found himself the guest of honor, enthroned next to a queen.
"It really hasn't, but it feels like it's been a long day. What would you like to watch?"
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
She smiled and went through channels. The reception was limited to a continuous broadcast of recorded entertainment.
As they sat for a while it struck Reih that she seemed so comfortable and at ease that it was unnerving. While his body was heightened by adrenaline and lumps formed in his throat, she was sedated. She looked like she would fall asleep. He thought it was because he was boring her. He tried desperately to think of something they could discuss, or something they could do. It felt like it was his fault if he couldn't entertain her, because he was engaged by just her presence.
He looked down and away when he felt her hand grab his. She didn't even look over. He felt like his hand was gigantic, almost entirely encasing her slender palm. His powerful fingers dwarfed hers yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he was entirely at her mercy.
His breath became short and sweat formed between their hands like a body of water connecting two lands. For him, it was all so foreign. It was a new sense of pride at being chosen, and there was no other place he could imagine wanting to be.
She fell asleep holding his hand, and for a while after that he refused to let go. He started to feel he was stealing something if he was enjoying affection she wasn't conscious to give, but it was like holding a bird- he was afraid that if he let go it may never come back.
She turned to him groggily, "I'm sorry Reih, I'm just so tired again."
He didn't know if he was expected to let go. The more he thought about it the more he knew that she would have to do it, because he couldn't.
"Will you carry me?"
He hesitated and picked her up as she still lay partially asleep. She didn't even consider that he could be thinking anything remotely malicious, and he wasn't. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested into his chest. He couldn't ever remember feeling so strong, as though she were weightless and he could carry her for miles without rest. He lowered her down like a precious heirloom and felt an impossible pull to kiss her, but didn't. As he was leaving, he stood in the doorway looking over her and feeling unable to break away. He didn't want to miss a single second, feeling it would otherwise be a wasted moment in time.
She turned to him with half open eyes.
"Goodnight Reih."
He bowed his head and closed the door as if it were an enormous gate only capable of moving inches at a time. He looked longingly through the final, narrow cracks of vision to see a slight smile on her face. It was an unequaled warmth. He had a new sensation alien to his life until now- the feeling that there was a future, and in that future everything was as it should be. Everything worked out.